this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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