My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
