Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
my liver is dry heaving
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
