i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Randomize
