Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
