but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sober January is a disaster.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
