I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
