just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
