why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
