I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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