im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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