I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
