so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
