That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
