I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
