Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize