he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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