I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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