No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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