Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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