you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize