Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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