According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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