I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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