The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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