My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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