i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
