yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
