That's when you crack a 10am beer
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
