yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize