I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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