You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
false alarm, still single
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
