Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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