I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
