I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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