sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
