awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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