i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
