I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
