Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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