You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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