areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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