just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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