I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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