Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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