found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
