Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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