and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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