well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
