i don't plan on having that self control this summer
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
