I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am midnight drunk by noon
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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