May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
