I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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