I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
