mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
