im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
