My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
