They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
