I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
