why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
